Dear Bonita,
I’m going through the hardest breakup of my life. My ex and I still love each other dearly, but we just can’t make it work (at least for now). And I think we’ve both seen confirmation that this is a good choice. We lived together, and we’ve both been more productive in our pursuits since splitting. The manic anxiety I was experiencing is all but gone. But the craving for each other hasn’t. We’ve spent a couple nights together since the split (they were perfect) and have resolved to not talk for a while, then check on each other in a month. I know we need to split off completely to move forward, but this seems to be what we can bear for now.
My question is this: How do we survive in a town this small? How do we resist checking each other’s social media for signs of the other moving on and, better yet, celebrate each other moving on? We’re both constantly hoping and also dreading running into each other while out, and the thought that one of us will move on before the other is excruciating. Do you have any tips?
Here are a few practical things you can do to solidify this breakup:
1. Unfollow/unfriend each other on all social media, and delete or untag all photos of you two together. This is usually the first thing I do post-breakup. Seeing someone you once had strong feelings for is hard enough, but not being able to avoid her face every time you putz around on Facebook can be crushing. Seeing her happy life will beg the question, “Is she so happy now because I’m not there?” You don’t need that question floating around in your head, because the answer could very well be “yes,” which is often more of a reflection of our own low self-esteem than any perceived resentment from our former paramours.
2. Don’t try to be friends too quickly. That seems to be the mistake that you and your ex have made, but I understand why. Breakups stink, and most often, one person tries to soften the blow to the other by extending an olive branch of friendship. If the feelings are still strong, this will fail horribly, and a week later the couple is right back where it was before: having sex, fighting, crying, regretting everything. I’ve had exes make a big to-do about how much they cared for me and how we should stay friends, but now I know better. If I still found my ex hot and alluring, I’d definitely want to bang him, so I prefer to take my space nowadays. You’ve realized this too, and now you and your ex aren’t talking for a month, which was a smart move. Honestly, I’d recommend making that three months.
3. Get some new hangouts. I tried to go to one of my favorite local spots recently after a guy told me to kick rocks, but I couldn’t enjoy myself for worrying that he’d show up. I miss karaoke and the dirty vodka martinis at that place, but I don’t miss the anxiety of wondering if this dude is there, if he didn’t show up because he knows I’m there and dreads seeing me or if he’s not there because he’s off with someone better than me. I don’t wanna live my life with that negative self-image keeping me from having fun, so I’ll just go back there in a couple of months after I show the rest of downtown my love.
4. More than anything, remember the reasons you broke up. They were real, and they won’t go away just because the sex is good or hanging out is fun. Mark my words: They will rear their ugly heads again. Enjoy your productivity and honor your ex while also remembering how you couldn’t be this vibrant while you were with her. Also, date someone else. Let your heart move on. That’ll be difficult at first, but it takes going out and meeting new people who can love the things about you that your ex didn’t. One man’s prison is another man’s church, as they say.
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.
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