A friend of mine is being flip-floppy about sending you this question, so I’m gonna do it for her. She broke up with a guy here in town a few years ago but thinks they never got closure. They dated for about a year, and the breakup was kind of abrupt but still a good thing. She’s moved and come back to town since then, and we’ve got a mutual girl friend whom we hang out with a good bit. Lately, she’s been running her mouth about my friend’s ex, saying that he’s super hot and that he has a “huge crush” on her and is “really into” her. She’s always talking about their mutual attraction, and she’s always mentioning the drunken hook-ups she’s had with this ex.
My buddy takes it in stride because she’s a nice person, but recently she confided that this girl is really getting on her nerves. I think this girl is being an alpha female and trying to assert her dominance in some way over my friend, whether she realizes it or not. My friend is beautiful, talented and well-known in town among the people who count, and I think that rubbing an ex in my friend’s face makes this chick feel powerful. My friend is too nice. It’s driving me crazy, and sometimes I worry I won’t be able to control myself when this girl is acting that way. I want to defend my friend against this female chauvinism, but I also don’t wanna embarrass or upset her.
We Are Lovers, Not Catfighters
There’s a lot going on here, actually. On the surface, we’ve got another “frenemy” situation, with someone feigning niceties while regularly attempting to undermine another’s self-esteem and self-image. Then, we have old feelings being conjured up by jealousy, even if the relationship ended years ago. If she’s moved and come back to town, I’m sure she’s dated other people and “moved on” in that sense, but if she feels there was never closure, then it can be hard to see some Felicia making moves on a person that you never really broke up with. Beyond that, we’ve got posturing and a laughable “class war,” in the sense that Felicia is obviously trying to climb our rickety social ladder by blatantly competing with another female.
Dating is problematic in Athens because it is such a small town. It’s nearly impossible not to sleep with your friends’ exes or crushes. I tried that when I first got to town, and by the end of my first year here I was positive that I’d die alone. The U.S. Census Bureau’s most recent figures on singles in Athens are from 2000, but I think they’re still relevant: There are 88 single men in this town for every 100 women. Basically, there’s one for each of us, in a town where very few of us are trying to settle down or even just date with intention, which means that we’re all constantly playing musical beds.
We have a Fight Club approach to casual dating around here—you don’t beat your gums over late-night tail in certain company. That company would obviously include the ex of the person you boned down, but Felicia isn’t respecting that. And I don’t think this is a case of naiveté. I think that, yes, she is pulling some chauvinist alpha-dog bullshit and rubbing her sexcapades in your friend’s face. Felicia is not your friend.
Getting bad people out of your life is as simple as stopping. Stop talking to them, stop hanging out with them, and stop frequenting the spaces they go. Felicia will get the idea if both of you go silent. I think it’s also a smart move to tell her how and why she’s out of pocket. If it really is just clueless blabbering, she’ll stop, and if it’s competitive posturing, being called out on it should be humiliating for her. If that’s the case, she’s obviously all about ego, and she deserves a public dragging for hating on another woman for the attentions of some (probably unremarkable) dude.
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