Summer is here, the students are gone, and I’m already terrified of what is to come. Mahogany’s dance parties have already become epic clothing-optional events for pairing up and grinding on strangers, and the drink specials have gotten downright obscene.
During the first week of May, I shaved my crotch and got a tan on my tummy so I could wear crop-tops until they go out of style. I went ahead and had terrible sex with someone, purposely setting the bar super low as to ensure some superior trim over the next couple of months. I added squats to my workout routine to get this apple-bottom on fleek.
I know you’re also prepping for the summer with Brazilian waxes or getting your bike tuned up for late-night rides. Yes, we’re all hitting the ground running, but please, Athens, don’t hurt yourself. I’m not Thelma, and you’re not Louise, so let’s not drive ourselves off a cliff trying to live it up too much this summer. How about we try this:
1. Sip it, or just stop. Drink slower. Specifically, sip your liquor. Pounding shots not only looks juvenile, but it is juvenile—it shows that the drinker doesn’t have the palate to appreciate what she’s tasting. Take a sip, then a breath, and enjoy the bouquet of the booze you’ve been pounding thoughtlessly for years. Also, don’t be afraid to stop drinking. It’s okay to look at yourself and know that you’ve had enough.
2. Don’t drive or bike drunk. Seriously, what a dick move. Get a cab or walk. There are even charities that offer free rides during big drinking events like New Year’s Eve and certain game days, so there’s literally no excuse to put people at risk. Why no biking drunk? Because even if your bike can’t kill someone else, it can still kill you. You can drift into traffic or run off the road. Stick around, dummy. Someone out there loves you, though it’s probably not me.
Too drunk to walk? Just fall asleep in a bush or on the porch of an abandoned house. I know that sounds asinine, but I’m serious. Find a spot not visible from the road and sleep it off. Sure, that’s trashy, but it endangers no one and builds character. You’re the cool guy who sleeps in bushes instead of endangering others! Become a local hero.
3. Use Uber with caution. YAY! Athens has Uber! But I’ve already heard horror stories about local Uber drivers. If you appear female, I strongly recommend against getting into an Uber with a male driver if you are intoxicated. If you call a Uber and they show up with other passengers in the car, don’t get in. Split a ride with a friend who lives nearby, and have pepper spray or a weapon (that you’re not afraid to use) on hand at all times.
4. Bang the older ones. I’m not saying that just because I’m an older chick looking to get some trim this summer. I know that the literature grad student with modest tits and a giant ass seems quite appealing to you, but she’s probably not going to have a condom on her. She’s gonna let you hit it raw, because you’re both too drunk to do better, and you’ll make the mistake of letting her sleep over, too, and she’ll take that as “a sign.”
Then she’ll call and text you for weeks, and you’ll have to scream at her publicly to get her to leave you alone. She’ll go on to write horrible poetry about the STD or the soon-to-be-aborted fetus you cursed her with, but you’ll be none the wiser, because you’re an asshole who doesn’t accept the personhood of women who enjoy casual sex.
Just hook up with older women. Like, over 30. We don’t expect you to acknowledge the fact that we are people. We have super grown-up birth control like IUDs and the Nuva Ring. We own our cars and our homes, and we don’t wanna sleep over, anyway.
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