originally published July 2, 2008

So, there's this girl. We met back at the end of February at a concert in Atlanta. Actually, we met online on the discussion forum of the musician at whose concert we met. It's a small and very friendly community, and we have gotten to know each other over the last year.

So, we met at the concert, as well as with a fellow member of the community. It was fun meeting each other and talking, and meeting the musician together. It made the whole experience so much better.

While a crush was developing on my part some months before the concert, it became fully realized after our meeting in person. We chat all the time now, and talk on the phone occasionally. I am almost pretty positive she feels the same way, or something like it.

I got sick this weekend and we were talking, but I chickened out of bringing up the subject of romance. Eventually, I said she should call me later this week. Should I bring it up then? Or should I wait 'til we hang out in July? She lives about five to seven hours away from Athens/Atlanta, and we have plans to hang out again with the girl that we met at the concert.

I ask if I should wait or not because I don't want to miss any "window." I mean it's been this long, I'm afraid she'll get discouraged and think I'm not interested in that way at all, and then we'll just be stuck in the friend zone. Which isn't bad, considering we already make great friends. But what if it could be more? And I don't want to be asking "what if" in the future.

Thanks for your time,

Dreaming of the Dolphin Song

If you confess your true feelings, and she feels the same way, then what? Are you going to move to be closer to her? Or are you proposing that she move? How soon do you think is too soon to take that step? How long are you willing to try this thing long distance? Are you aware that gas now costs over four dollars a gallon? Are you (or is she) wealthy and overloaded with free time?

I am asking you these questions because even though you are stuck on step one, I don’t think you’ve thought much about steps two through 10. And the reason why this is important in your case, DDS, is because right now you are fairly content and having a good time with this, but the minute you let the proverbial feline out of the proverbial bag, the whole thing changes. I’m all about “going for it” it most cases, but what would that mean in your case? Will it change an otherwise good friendship and pleasant distraction into a giant pain in your ass that only ends in pain and misery?

I know this is discouraging, DDS, but maybe you can use the futility of the situation to your advantage. You can say what you want to say without fear if you treat it as a foregone conclusion, like: “Boy, it’s really unfortunate that we live so far away from each other. I feel a real connection to you based on our mutual love for Olivia Newton John and dolphins, and we could probably make a great couple, if only it weren’t for the distance.”

That way you put the ball in her court. She’ll either say,

“Yes, DDS, I feel the same way. But alas, cruel fate would have it that the only other person in North America who shares my passion for Olivia Newton John lives four hundred miles away,” to which you can wistfully respond, “I’ll spend my Summer Nights Hopelessly Devoted to You,” or she will suggest ways to work around the distance. In which case, the soundtrack to your love shifts to “Magic” and “Physical,” right? Woo hoo!

In any case, you should think through all of the possibilities before you proceed. If you are going to say something, then by all means say it now. Waiting to see her in person will not make it any easier. I am certainly not trying to discourage you from following your heart, but without more information, I have to go with my gut, and my gut is hearing “Please Mr. Please” at top volume.

Since I like you and trust you, I am going to pose a question to you. I know you have no knowledge of my relationship, so this is more of an opinion question. (Incidentally, we have been dating almost six months; I moved not too far away about three months in.) If I am feeling apprehensive like I can't trust my boyfriend, as if he is cheating on me or something, do you think that I have a reason for feeling this way? Do you think it's founded or maybe I am just crazy from being burned in the past?

I have no basis to think that he would cheat on me other than I have been having this odd feeling. He's not close enough for me to check up on him, and I wouldn't want to even if I was close enough.

So, what do you think?

I think I need more information, my suspicious friend. You said you have no reason to think he would cheat on you, but obviously there is something wrong or you wouldn’t be writing to me. The mere fact that you said you wouldn’t check up on him, even if you could, says to me that you are not a paranoid person by nature, and that having thought all of this through rationally you are still feeling unsettled. Again, I don’t know you or your situation, but I believe in the gut feelings of rational people. Having been burned in the past can make you more paranoid and less trusting, but it can also make you smarter and more experienced. Based on what little you have said, you sound more like the latter. The only question is: How do you find out? You are unwilling to “check up,” which is admirable, but what do you do in the absence of checking up? I think you need to confront him. You are apart, the relationship is at the stage where many relationships lose that “new thing” luster, and there is no reason why you shouldn’t say “Hey, is everything okay? Because I get the feeling you are no longer on the bus, or at least that you are searching all of your pockets for that transfer.” Remind him that you are a big girl and you can handle it (at least it sounds that way to me), but that you would prefer honesty so you don’t waste your time, etc. etc. Good luck, and please, let me know how it goes.

Jyl Inov

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