originally published June 18, 2008

I'm a little embarrassed to pose this question to anyone else - particularly to people I know, so maybe you can offer some clarity. I am happily in a relationship with a great sex life, but sometimes I find myself fantasizing about other guys. Not intensely, but I surprise myself sometimes how random it can be; all it takes is a glance of a cute ass to make my mouth water and my mind race. I've never seriously thought of cheating because this isn't a "relationship" issue to me, but I just like thinking about other guys: what they look like naked, how they might be in bed, etc. I know this kind of sexual fantasizing is stereotypically attributed to men, but if I do this as a woman, does that make me weird? Does that mean that subconsciously I'm unsatisfied in my relationship? Are there any other ladies who fantasize like this? Sometimes I feel guilty for even imagining some of the scenarios and part of me thinks I need to actively stop them while another part of me says it's harmless fun.

What do you think?

Just because you’re not a gander doesn’t mean you can’t take one, silly goose. You already said you have no intention of cheating, and your attitude is very matter of fact. Not a relationship issue, you say? Cool. Great sex life? Check. No problem, then. Fantasizing isn’t weird, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, except that you have an active imagination and a healthy libido. As long as you are actually happy in your relationship, and as long as you don’t start acting on or (God forbid) sharing your fantasies, I don’t see any harm in it. Feeling guilty? Why? Think of it this way: Would you feel bad knowing that your guy is having the same thoughts about other women? If so, then maybe you need to stop. If not, then fantasize away.

I go into a certain place of business (store not a bar) regularly as a customer. There's a girl there that (I think) is checking me out. I'm a guy, so it could all be in my head. She smiles at me, waits on me when she's available. She just looks good to me and is nice. Is there a way to approach her without coming off as a jerk? Or a way if she rejects me that I could still go into there without feeling too awkward? I'm shy and a little self-conscious, too. But I'm trying to break out of my shell.

Thanks,

Shy Guy

First, make sure you check the ring finger of her left hand. Is she wearing anything on it? A diamond, perhaps, or a plain gold band? I know it sounds ridiculous, but so many married women I know get hit on by people who are just plain unobservant. You could save yourself a lot of awkwardness just by looking there first.

Okay, so no ring? Great. Start by engaging her in conversation. There are two ways that this usually works. Either you pussyfoot around and drop hints into the conversation, like “I’ll bet your boyfriend is really thrilled that you get a discount on electronics/tofu dogs/party hats, huh?” or some other nonsense, hoping she will understand what you mean and either say “Yeah. We have a huge TV and a great stereo system,” or what you really want to hear, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” Listen for the all-important we.

The other, better way to handle it is to simply engage her in conversation a bit, see if she still seems interested, haul your balls out of your purse for a minute and ask her out. Why not just ask her if she wants to get coffee or something sometime? There is no reason to be afraid of rejection. If she says no, or that she has a boyfriend or whatever, just be cool and thank her and say goodbye. When you go back, act normal, like it never happened. The only reason it might get weird is if you make it weird (or if she does, I guess, but you have no control over that). You have to take a chance or you will never know. Maybe she’s shy, too, and she’s writing me a letter about the regular customer who maybe likes her but won’t ask her out, you know?

I have a response for "Doomed Groom" and I think he will like this one better. Dude, forget the wedding. You love your girl, she loves you. Go and get hitched on the fly somewhere else. Let both sides of the family know that you and your girl will do things your way. THEN, after you two share the sacred ceremonial moment alone, you can have a reception for the whole entire family to bitch and moan about how selfish the two of you are being... but the moms and the pops and the elders will realize they're being selfish as well for trying to control the happiness you two are trying to maintain from the moment you two met one another. Once you start to give the others a chance to control any part of your lives, be prepared for the worse when the first baby comes around. Take a stand, man.

Been There, Done That

Easy for you to say, BTDT: You don’t have an address for angry parents to write to, or an editor for them to harass, when the elopement occurs. But I agree. Weddings often become more about the rest of the family (families) than about the bride and groom. Too many cooks and whatnot. Maybe the compromise is for the bride and groom to get married ahead of time by themselves and not tell anybody. That way they will have “their” wedding and the wedding everyone else wants, and nobody ever has to know. I doubt that telling both families to "stick it" is going to make anything easier in the long run.

Jyl Inov

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