originally published May 14, 2008

I wrote you a letter signed “Another Ex-Girlfriend” back in September last year. Thanks for your advice. This article is very old... but even though I didn’t take the moving advice right away... I did eventually take it. I moved out between 4-7 in the morning back in December. I thought I was gonna kill him. I moved in with the sweet guy and his bandmates, and life is so less complicated. I guess when we go through our first breakup we lie to ourselves all the time. Yes, I did want to get back together with him, and that’s why I let him move in, but then again, I was so fucking lonely. I did lose a lot of friends, but then I think about it and they were just loud drunk annoying people anyway. I just wanted to say, keep handing out the no bullshit, no-cherry-on-top advice, because that’s what people need to hear. Thanks!

Another Ex-Girlfriend Who Found a New Life

Glad to hear that you finally figured it out, AEG. And believe me, advice is a lot easier to give than it is to follow. People lie to themselves all the time, for all kinds of reasons. It would be great if we all learned from our mistakes and actually, you know, stopped doing the same stupid shit over and over, but that isn’t always how it goes. Anyway, thanks for the update and good luck with your new guy.

I am on the outside of an escalating conflict between my sister and her best friend. This week, BF wrote a letter to you asking advice on what to do about their living arrangements next year considering their very different lifestyles and cleaning habits. Although I thought your advice was good, Sister read the letter in Flagpole, immediately recognized that BF had written it, and became infuriated that BF had not consulted her directly about these concerns before both of their names were on the lease. BF has a habit of avoiding direct conflict, and so has avoided a direct conversation with Sister since, but has unfriended her on Facebook (oh, the drama). She also wrote her a letter about how they weren't going to stay friends when she moved next year anyway, and Sister should find another place to live. Sister, being naturally obstinate, has no intention of living elsewhere and thinks that BF should leave.

They've been next-door neighbors and best friends a long time. Also, Sister's lifestyle choices can be self-destructive, so I want her to sustain friendships that are good influences like BF. Do you have any advice on how their friendship can be salvaged in all this, or is it totally out of my hands? Thanks,

Concerned

No matter what the level of drama right now, I still think they’re better off than they would have been as roommates. Yes, this should have been resolved before a lease was signed, but if it’s this bad now, imagine the damage three weeks worth of dirty dishes would have caused.

It sounds like you are trying to be on your sister’s side, but that you are well aware of her faults and sympathetic to her friend. Is it possible that you can talk to the friend directly? If she is trying to avoid any conflict, she might find it easier to just avoid your sister altogether, but she has no beef with you, right? If they really have been close for so long, this should not ruin their relationship. Also, you need to talk to your sister. Tell her that while you think the BF acted irresponsibly, BF has valid fears about lifestyle and cleaning habits issues, and that it would be a shame for them to throw away their friendship over this. You do have to realize, Concerned Sister, that this is ultimately not your battle, and that for all of your effort and concern you may be greeted with contempt and/or anger by one or both of the parties involved. I applaud your willingness to try as well as your recognition that it is probably in vain, but don’t kill yourself over this. It isn’t your battle and it isn’t worth worrying too much about. Oh, the drama, indeed. If only they had remained neighbors.

So, my friends are getting divorced. They have been married for a long, long time, and I met them both at the same time. The short version goes like this: she cheated, she wanted out of the relationship, he wanted to keep trying until he found out she cheated. He left, she freaked out, and now she is trying to make him out to be the bad guy, all the while doing batshit crazy things to him, his stuff, the new girl in his life, etc. In other words, she has lost her shit, even though she is the one who started it all. Now I don’t feel comfortable around her at all. I feel sorry for him, but more than anything I’m relieved he’s out of there, because obviously she has some very serious mental problems. The problem comes whenever I see her out around town. She keeps trying to talk to me, and it’s obvious that she wants me to be on her side, and I want absolutely nothing to do with her, but I don’t want to just tell her to fuck off to her face because I don’t want it to be like that. I know that she did the crazy shit he said she did because she told another friend of ours. I do not respect this woman, and I want her out of my life, but I don’t exactly feel comfortable telling her to fuck off to her face. How do I handle this? Should I ignore her completely, or do I just smile and get through the small talk until she goes away?

Anonymous

Were the two of you actually friends before this all started, or were you more friends with him? I ask because if the two of you were really friends, then I think it behooves you to tell her that she’s gone completely guano and that she needs help. If she likes and respects you, then you might be in a position to help her help herself. On the other hand, if this is a person that you only know peripherally, you can simply keep the exchanges to a minimum and hope she gets the hint. If she really has lost it, you don’t want to risk setting her off and having her turn on you, too. Just smile and nod and back away slowly whenever she approaches you. Eventually she’ll get the picture. If she really has been such a crunt, I doubt you’re the only person who is having this reaction.