Reality Check

Matters of the Heart and Loins

originally published October 11, 2006

I'm 21.

This has happened twice now: I fall for a guy who I'm pretty sure has fallen for me. We flirt, have fun together, deep conversations, and yes, sex. Okay, well, I have a difficult time letting anyone get close to me, so my hard-to-get game is too convincing. Also, I've never made the first move when it comes to relationship status conversations. But when I'm finally able to tell the guys how much I care, they've already moved on and are "over me." Which I thought in both cases happened way too soon, like... one week there's sparks and the next week they won't talk to me. So then I'm shit out of luck. I want to mention that I highly doubt I was getting used for sex because I was more pushy in that area in both cases. So I accept that it didn't work out and I don't call/ write/ speak to them aside from the occasional run-in. Well in both cases, the guys started contacting me again, despite having new girlfriends. They both told me they still had feelings for me. They both acted out-of-character and "crazy" at one point or another, i.e. drunken phone calls and jealous remarks. The initial relationships were at two separate times in my life, by the way. Well both times, old feelings resurfaced and I ended up back at square one. So I told them. And both times I got rejected for the current girlfriends. What gives? My conclusion: there is something about me that makes guys run for the hills. It's as if they only like me when I pretend I don't care. I've asked both of them what it was about me that they didn't want to date, and they both said, "I don't know. I think you're great." Fuck great. What does "great" mean? All I can think of is that stupid book He's Just Not That Into You. I bet there's a chapter in there called: He Tells You You're Great. My stepmom says it's because they love me and it freaks them out because they're still young (they're 18 and 21). She says "you're the marrying type," as in they'd rather marry me. That's ridiculous! I, of course, would love to believe her, but she's obviously biased. And in my opinion, if you love someone, you wouldn't want to wait to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes I wonder if the connections I had with these guys were all in my head and maybe I'm just too sentimental. But my question is, after reading this, do you have any insight into why these guys behaved (and actually are still behaving) this way?

Always on the Back Burner

You’re playing hard to get but easy to screw, and that’s like baking the cake for the guy and then feeding it to him one bite at a time, naked and surrounded by a bunch of your naked friends. He’s having it; he’s eating it; and you’re wiping up the crumbs and doing the dishes before you leave!

What you are referring to as “sparks” is attraction, sure, but maybe if you got to know these guys better you would know what they were really looking for? You also have to be clear about what you want. Of course these guys feel like it’s okay to have sex with you and move on, because you are being the sexual aggressor and you are acting emotionally removed, which is the role they are used to playing, so they feel like they “get you” and that there are no strings attached.

If you want to end the cycle, try getting to know a guy, being attracted to him, and actually having a relationship before you jump him. Not just a couple meaningful conversations, either. Go out. Share meals. Watch movies. Talk about your beliefs and your interests. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with casual sexual encounters, BB, I’m just saying that if that’s not what you want, then you have to stop facilitating those kind of relationships. And please, just because you can’t make them your boyfriends after the fact, don’t try to take them once they’re someone else’s. That is just soooo tacky.

What do I do with a guy who can’t seem to make up his mind? This is a guy who I have known for about a year or two, and a lot of his friends are my friends. Recently, he started acting like he was interested. I was also interested, so I suggested we hang out sometime (meaning without the whole group). So we did, and it was cool. Next thing, he is showing up where he knows I will be and we talk all night (this was a couple times in a week). All of his friends notice and say stuff to me about him. I make no secret of the fact that I kind of like him, but no big deal. Then he starts bringing up this other girl in conversation all the time, a “girlfriend” from somewhere else. So I’m like, okay, that’s weird, but whatever. We have the same friends and we are going to see each other a lot, so I don’t want it to be weird. I switch to friend mode. Talk to him about the girl. Then he hits on me again, another night, this time trying to take me home. Then he acts all cold and weird the next day, like it never happened. How am I supposed to react to this? His friends all think we should date, but now I am starting to think it was a stupid idea to begin with. Should I just lay it on the line and ask him what he wants? I am not afraid to talk to him because we have had plenty of talks.

Anonymously Confused

It sounds like this guy doesn’t know what he wants, so why the hell should you keep jumping through hoops for him? If it’s already this much trouble and you haven’t even had a date, can you imagine the kind of bullshit you would have to put up with to be his girlfriend? I say drop it completely. Don’t even respond to any sort of advances. Maintain your friendships, your integrity and your sanity by blowing him off and acting like nothing ever happened. Find yourself a grownup.

Jyl Inov

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