A Million Monkeys

Strolling Down the Information Superhighway

originally published October 11, 2006

The Internet is like turning 18. Across the fabled threshold stretches a promised expanse, roiling with untold delight, swollen with seemingly boundless and previously inaccessible knowledge, and aflame with the promise of a future untapped. Yet with such newly unfettered access comes the potentially corrupting capacity to taste the forbidden fruits with a freedom hitherto unknown. Yes, sons and daughters of the information age, “A Million Monkeys” has come of age. While this 18th-episode milestone may render it suddenly unattractive to certain members of nationally elected bodies, we will nonetheless mark this momentous occasion in our collective journey toward electronic enlightenment with an enumeration of manners by which to exercise those rights.

Gamblin’: Putting a few “bones” or “clams” or whatever you call them on how many near-heart attacks those who don the black and the red are likely to induce over the next two and a half months would certainly be a lively enterprise, its ultimate legality is unquestionably tilted toward the negative. However, there are ways in which to ensure that this transaction has at least the hint of being above board: www.tradesports.com. While a slithery little slab of legislation from the aforementioned elected bodies has cast a bit of a pall over such unregulated “futures markets," the draw of the clickety-clack and utter confusion as to how such laws might actually be enforced has kept the chips rolling. Making “predictions” on the outcome of sporting events remains the primary draw, but similar forecasts for electoral outcomes, reality television victories and defeats, economic events, and even courtroom showdowns all have their places. Even those wary of putting monies where mouths have been can glean a bit of insight into the probabilities of certain events. The site succeeded in correctly divining all but one Senate race and all 50 Electoral College bids for the 2004 election. More sinisterly, the “contract” on the likelihood of stateside Bird Flu swung frighteningly into positive territory just weeks before the virus popped up in dead ducks on the Great Lakes.

Guns: In most states, that magical age (coincidentally 6 + 6 + 6, in cold, satanic math) also confers the right to procure lethal weaponry with which to protect the vast tracts of property one simultaneously gains the legal ability to own (in Georgia, at least). Of course, this could be a really, really bad idea for a generation of folks who could conceivably have spent a full quarter of their lives with www.newgrounds.com/collection/madness.html. Stylishly drawn, this flash cartoon (if you don’t have a flash player he’ll kill you, www.macromedia.com/software/flash/about) features a minimalist aesthetic of black and white. Except for the blood. Like helicopter firefighter buckets full. As the episodes progress, the means of violence become ever more elaborate and the kill count mounts ever higher. At some point between zombie creatures created by Jesus, giant spinning clown faces, and deaths 1000–2000, the humor becomes imminently apparent. That and paralyzing fear at the fate of our children. This last is especially relevant when taking into consideration the collection of more than four-dozen fan-generated tributes at the bottom of the page.

Girls: Perhaps more specifically, girls with car trouble. While we have previously and extensively established that, by and large, the Internet serves as a vast and repulsive repository for every flavor of perversion ever devised, there are those whose tastes run to the slightly more clothed but no less unusual. Take for example www.carstuckgirls.com. In format, the products on offer are no different than the stock in trade of the more common and graphic niches of the 'net: pictures and videos, delivered online or in hard copy. In content, however, CarStuckGirls offers something far more unique. Attractive and frustrated young ladies are filmed, fully clothed, in a variety of classic and late model autos stuck in sand, snow or mud. The results, while undoubtedly bizarre and filthy (in the earthen since only), clearly hold a fascination for a surprisingly large group of people, as the site succeeded in pulling a prestigious Webby award for the weirdest of the weird two years ago.

Gov’t: Not all adulthood attainment advantages are, however, necessarily tainted with vice or violence. Indeed, for many, the best thing about crossing that threshold is the ability to join the few, the proud, the voters. However, once the initial euphoria of dipping toes into the chilly waters of democracy wear off, comes a justified fear of what hides in their murky depths. Cutting through the crooked caterwauling can be a daunting task for even the most seasoned of voters, but www.factcheck.org makes the process at least a little simpler. A public service, nonprofit arm of the Anenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania, FactCheck is run by a handful of well-seasoned and ludicrously decorated former journalists who endeavor to carve the slime out of political discourse by simply adhering to the principle of their title. Typing in the name of any candidate into the searchbar for the large database pulls up a wealth of misstatements, manipulations and flat-out macerations of the truth. Further, once young bucks become clued in to the power of political speech, the concurrent power to needle the hell out of one’s no-longer-legal guardians emerges as one of the more pleasant side effects of the process. Which is why God and Willie Nelson made www.treehugger.com. Treehugger itself offers up everything from product reviews and eco-gift ideas to DIY tricks to help make living la vida verde as comfortable and refreshing as a stroll through those beloved trees. Additionally, its sister site, www.hugg.com, is positively crunchy with greenified news, and its video arm, www.treehugger.tv, provides cheekily filmed short documentaries about the green lifestyle.

Brandon Waddell

All links sent will be used in the most mature way possible. Promise. Send them to outthere@flagpole.com and make sure to say my name, “A Million Monkeys."