Forget Trick or Treating!

Seven Movies from the Crypt To Check Out This Halloween

originally published October 25, 2006

ASYLUM OF SATAN (PG)

1975. William Girdler’s directorial debut is a so-bad-its-good picture that is a must for genre fans, but may be too dull for regular viewers. Concert pianist Lucinia Martin has woken up in a sanatorium and doesn’t know why. The only person who seems concerned is her mustached fiancé Chris (Nick Jolley) who is easily the most ridiculous looking and unlikely film protagonist ever. The score is steered by funky guitar riffs that suit our hero well, which may nod a few heads. What was creepy about this film when I was in junior high but does not work for me today, sadly, but the unintended humor is clearer now than ever. Satan makes a not-so-grand entrance as a short, bug-eyed plastic man whose lips do not move when he speaks. If you blink you’ll miss the twist ending, so pay attention! Released by Something Weird Video on a double disc with Satan’s Children (1974) and packed with extras.

BLACK CHRISTMAS (R)

1974. This low-budget Canadian film began an era of teen slasher cheapies. Sorority girls initially disregard random obscene phone calls until they get serious. Some folks are murdered, and genre-fave John Saxon plays the concerned Lieutenant. The Christmas gimmick is well-played and the stumbling-drunk housemother offers comedic relief. This one lacks the gore and nudity characteristic of its progeny, which may be disappointing to some viewers. Decidedly unsettling, Black Christmas does not fail to terrify after repeated viewings and should not be missed. First-time viewers may feel iffy about an ending that seems clichéd today. The Collector’s Edition DVD (2002) includes commentary by director Bob Clarke (A Christmas Story, Porky’s), Saxon and costar Keir Dullea, as well as a making-of documentary.

THE CONVENT (R)

2000. Goth chick Mo and friend Clorissa hitch a ride with some pals and wind up at a convent rumored to be haunted. Gay devil worshipper “Dickie boy” and his goateed leader are auxiliary characters destined to perform a half-assed ritual that miraculously resurrects the demons. When killer nuns show up to crack more than their yardsticks, the distracted teens chalk it up to “something in the weed." Death scenes are fast-moving, black-lit and techno-driven. “Dreamweaver” ‘shroom fantasy features a talking Christ and flying thong underwear. Most of the folks die in a manner befitting their winning personalities, and of course, there is much pressure to find and sacrifice a virgin. Coolio plays a police officer in perhaps his best role yet, and Adrienne Barbeau is the film’s no-nonsense heroine.

GINGER SNAPS (NR)

2000. Creative and intense, Ginger Snaps is as bright as it is dark, using the teen Goth experience as a metaphor for the awkward isolation that can accompany puberty. Late-blooming sisters Ginger (Katharine Isabelle) and Brigitte (Emily Perkins) are one year apart and do everything together, including photographing elaborate suicide fantasies and planning revenge against the bitchy popular girls. Ginger gets the “curse," which coincides with a vicious attack from what is later revealed to be a werewolf. She awakens, sexually and carnivorously, leaving knock-kneed Brigitte in the dust and utterly alone. This crafty and inventive film was hailed by critics as a feminist masterpiece, but it failed to find an audience. Director John Fawcett is known best for TV’s "Xena: Warrior Princess." Isabelle and Perkins teamed up again for sequels, Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning and Ginger Snaps: Unleashed.

MONSTER MAN (R)

2003. Most critics and many genre-fans really hated this one, but I dutifully accepted a blend of monster trucking and horror. In road-trip movie fashion, two dudes drive across the country. Banter between love-struck sap Adam and his pal Harley wind up encouraging a homicidal creep who drives a monster truck. The boys pick up saucy hitchhiker Sarah (Aimee Brooks) and attempt to elude the stubborn driver. The camaraderie between the guys grows on you, but the roadkill gags, pubic hair jokes and arbitrary gore help keep it going. Fanboys diss this one as being derivative and lacking in nudity, but since I can't remember the last time a saw a turgid dong in one of these flicks, I‘m inclined to think that boobs are not absolutely necessary, either. Hats off to Victor Salva’s homoerotic Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003), on that note, for his lingering shots of shirtless hunks peeing together in the woods.

PIN (R)

1988. Guy-goes-nutzoid pics are usually the most insulting of all because they rely on the premise that people suffering from a mental illness are universally homicidal. Pin does a better job with the schizophrenia motive than most, which is likely due to how fleshed-out these characters are and how well the story is crafted. Siblings Ursula (Cynthia Preston) and Leon (David Hewlett) are endearing children raised by a neat-freak Mom (Brownwen Mantel). Meanwhile, their distant father (Terry O’Quinn) is a small-town physician who throws his voice so that Pin (a life-sized human anatomy model) may explain puberty and other life lessons to his impressionable children. Family tragedy pitches the two kids headforemost into adulthood, and as Ursula seeks normalcy, Leon adopts a twitchy Norman Bates-esque quality and attempts to control his sister. Pin moves out of the doc’s office and into the family home, some folks are murdered, and we start to wonder if Pin is real or imaginary. Director Sandor Stern also wrote the screenplay for The Amityville Horror (1979) and Fast Break (1979). Great suspense and the acting is superb. Not to be missed.

TROLL 2 (PG-13)

1990. A suburban family does a house swap (?) for the summer with an eerie backwoods family. With the aid of Grandpa Seth, a ghost who seems intent on scaring his vulnerable grandson from beyond the grave, the Waits family battles “haughty” vegetarian Goblins and their grimacing sexpot Queen, Creedence. FX are subpar, of course, but the film keeps you interested with it’s surreal objective and antiquated dialogue. Creedence’s mouth sores are the only special effects that look real, so they probably are. Teen daughter Holly and her father (who is actually a dentist) give outstandingly bad performances. This film has something for everyone, so don’t despair if you wind up quoting it. Little Jonathan is our film’s hero, and a double-decker baloney sandwich saves the day, literally.

Katharine S. Hughes